The real Naruto Ninja Handbook
by princessofnothingxx
Summary: It is here in the REAL NARUTO NINJA HANDBOOK that lays down those important rules that TRULY matter. No Shinobi can really be BIG or BAD without first STUDYING this handbook! So what are you waiting for? Turn the page and learn how to truly SURVIVE!
1. Introduction

I have decided to try something completely different and I don't know how well it will turn out. But bare with me and hopefully this will turn out great.

Also any suggestions would be really appreciated alongside any constructive critisism. I'd also really love to hear from you and your thoughts of how it is progressing.

Thanks**

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**THE REAL NARUTO NINJA HANDBOOK **

For many years, Shinobi, Civilians, Demons, Missing Nins and all others have followed a set of rules that guide their every days. However, those set of rules, despite how 'great' they supposedly may be, are in fact a big fat pile of NINJA SHIT!

What is a civilian supposed to do when facing CERTAIN DEATH at the hands of a MISSING NIN? Where is the rule that states that every person with CREEPY RED EYES is in fact a LOVE MACHINE? Where is the rule that declares that every BLONDE SHINOBI must be LOUD and BRASH lest the whole world should SPONTANIOUSLY IMPLODE?

Would you like to know?

Of course you would!

It is here in the REAL NARUTO NINJA HANDBOOK that lays down those important rules that TRULY matter. No Shinobi can really be BIG or BAD without first STUDYING this handbook!

So what are you waiting for? Turn the page and learn how to truly SURVIVE (or something close to that) in this cruel world.

What is there to lose (other than your LIFE, we mean)? So put on your super reflective ninja headband and learn HOW to truly kick some SHINOBI BUTT!!


	2. Civilians

**RULES FOR CIVILIANS **

**WORSHIP SHINOBI** – This is advisable to all civilians as you will be instantly STRUCK DOWN by GOD if you fail to OBEY this rule. Of course if you are wishing to commit suicide, you are recommended to dismiss this rule and WALK THE STREETS OF KONOHA, cursing and spitting at any shinobi that CROSSES YOUR PATH.

**NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT** with other civilians or, pray it never happens to you, a shinobi.  
There are several reasons for this:

· They may be bored and decide to kill you

· You may be forced to engage in a pointless conversation that results in your death.

· You may owe them money.

· They may ask to borrow money.

· They may be a crazy love-obsessed fan that feels you may be competition for their current love affair and therefore decide to murder you.

**IF YOU'RE A FEMALE** civilian and drawing the attention of several males, you may wish to RETHINK your situation. WHAT THE HELL are you doing drawing the attention of HOMOCIDAL MURDERS, STOIC AVENGERS and OBNOXIOUS DEMON CONTAINERS, that are also FULLY ABLE SHINOBI? The best solution would be to CUT your hair and adopt a high-pitched and WHINY voice. DYING your hair PINK, would also be a good bonus.

**IF YOU'RE A MALE **civilian and drawing the attention of several males, you may wish to cut your overgrown BLUE hair, and get contacts which are NOT coloured RED. Similarly, you may also wish to take your MALE FRIEND to a nice part of the VILLAGE, which specialises in plenty of NICE, CHEAP hotels. Get a room and enjoy your weekend together.

**IF SOMEONE APPROACHES YOU **stick out your chest and pretend to be a BIG BAD SHINOBI. They will instantly AVOID EYE CONTACT with you and quickly RUN AWAY. In these instances its best to CELEBRATE LOUDLY, screaming of your success until a REAL BIG BAD SHINOBI come along and tells you to shut up, OR ELSE. In these circumstances it's best to quickly RUN AWAY and pray to the god JASHIN that you will be SPARED.

**ON A HOT DAY** it is required that all male civilians, whose bodies are toned from years of FAST FOOD and BEER, TAKE OFF their tops and show their chests to all of the pale-looking WOMEN.

**WHEN DEALING WITH SHINOBI** it is best to SWEAT and STUTTER all the time while pressing your INDEX FINGERS together.

**TAKE CARE** not to anger a shinobi as he WILL KILL YOU. If you do anger a shinobi, it is advisable to offer your FIRST BORN CHILD as sacrifice to said MIGHTY SHINOBI and swear to forever be his SLAVE.

**IF YOU ARE HELD** at the throat by a FOREIGN SHINOBI, remain strong and refuse to spill the village's SECRETS. Instead state that you are a pleasant GYPSY that will KINDLY curse your attacker if he does not move his BLOODY HANDS this very instance, thank you very much. Act shocked when this does not work and instead GROVEL and BEG whilst revealing the villages SECRETS.

**AS A CIVILIAN** shinobi are your natural enemy. However if you value your life, it is best to not alert a shinobi to this fact.

**WHEN HIRING A SHINOBI** for a mission, always state that you are a POOR BRIDGE BUILDER and request a CHEAP d-ranked mission. Of course when you realise that your BLOOMIN' EXPENSIVE shinobi are in fact TEENAGED PESTS, that ANGST, JOKE and SCREECH, it is best to calmly scream aloud at how BLOODY ANNOYING they all are. IGNORE ALL THREATS OF DEATH.

**IF YOU SEE A FOREIGN SHINOBI** – Alert the Hokage and ANBU immediately.

**IF YOU SEE A FOREIGN KONOICHI** – Try and get her number.

**TRAVELLING AS A CIVILLIAN **

**WHEN TRAVELLING** as a civilian, it is advisable to hire shinobi for YOUR PROTECTION as CRAZED HITMEN may attempt to kill you. When travelling, it is illegal for MISSING NIN not to KILL innocent passers-by, which is unfortunate to any innocent passers-by. In the circumstance that you are BRUTALLY KILLED by a missing nin, it is recommended that you pray that god is willing to forgive your perverse fantasies of BIG BAD KUNOICHI before beginning your DOOMED journey.

**IF, IN THE EVENT** your shinobi is killed, STAY CALM and RUN AWAY. DO NOT go back for the body as DEAD SHINOBI BODIES make excellent FURTILLISER.

**OTHER CIVILIANS **are annoying and may believe their shinobi is HARDER THAN YOURS. In those circumstances it is permissible to organise a SHINOBI CONTEST where you and your foe must jump on your own SHINOBI'S BACK. The first contestant to DIE has the HARDEST SHINOBI.

**NOTE FOR BEING A CIVILIAN:** DON'T


	3. Animal Summons

**RULES FOR ANIMAL SUMMONS **

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**SUMMONING ANIMALS **proves the BADOSITY of your ninja skill and it is strongly recommended that if you wish to be THE HARDEST shinobi on the block, you get an animal summon.

**THERE ARE MANY** different types of summons to choose from including (but not limited to): dogs, birds, bees, fish and in some cases STRANGE FLOCKS of NOCTURNAL PINK sheep.

**TO PURCHASE YOUR OWN** animal summon, you must first sign a contract with your BLOOD and then sacrifice your GRANDMA to the god JUSHIN. Of course, you may not gain the animal you want the first time around but, as long as you have many grannies to SPARE, you can keep trying until you get the desired result.

**SUMMONING AN ANIMAL: **

**SHUT YOUR EYES** and concentrate on your chakra. It is best if you are ON YOUR OWN but if engaged in a SHINOBI BATTLE it is alright to ignore the kunais that PIERCE YOUR SKIN. As long as you are focused on your chakra, that is all that really matters.

**BITE YOUR THUMB** until it draws blood. Resist SCREAMING LIKE A GIRL. It won't kill you.

**(WARNING: BE SURE NOT TO BITE YOUR THUMB OFF. IT IS ADVISAVBLE THAT SHARKS DO NOT HAVE ANIMAL SUMMONS.) **

**CHANT THE WORDS **of the jutsu and slam your head on the floor. Get up off the floor and realise that you had in fact MISREAD the handbook. LAUGH AT YOUR IDIOCY and ignore the DISTURBED LOOKS from your foe. Slam your hand on the floor and watch as smoke appears.

**LAUGH TRIUMPHANTLY** as your summon appears. However, if your summon is smaller than your fingernail and resembles your long deceased and SACRIFICED GRANDMA, it is advised to throw the summon at your enemy's face and escape while he is blinded by THE PATHETIC MORSEL! Ah, I mean your summon!

**RIDING YOUR SUMMON **

**IT IS POSSIBLE** if your summon is large enough and DOESN'T DEVOUR you first, to ride your summon. However, it is a hard and TROUBLESOME task that took the great YONDAIME many years to master. In fact, the fourth was not killed by the nine tailed fox demon. Instead he FELL OFF a FROG and went hurtling down onto his HEAD.

**ANYWAY, IF YOU WISH** to ride your summon there are first some DOS and DONT'S you should read.

**DO: **

· Ensure that your summon is the right height for riding and is not in fact smaller that a twig.

· Make sure to purchase a suitable saddle that can be adjusted to fit your strange and pink nocturnal sheep.

· Ask permission from a parent (or guardian) before riding your summon. If you do not have a parent (or guardian) or if your parent (or guardian) refuses, take this as a sign to mean you are allowed.

· Brush your teeth after ever meal.

**DO NOT: **

· Unexpectedly jump onto your summons's back and expect him/her to gladly whisk you away to Disney. They will, instead, attempt to eat you.

· Ride a summon when tired. You will be prone to falling from your summon and perhaps even causing an accident between your summon and another. If this happens expect your summon to be written off and to receive a large fine.

· Speed when riding a summon. They are often unused to such fast speeds and will often begin to shake, wobble and in some cases explode. However, if you enjoy being rocketed off an exploding summon, it is suggested that you take the time to ignore this rule.

**YOUR SUMMONS'S EXCREMENT **

**WHEN KONOHA FIRST BEGAN **it was considered polite to clean up after you summon. However after several wars and the GROWING CRAZE of LAZINESS it is now acceptable to ignore the mess. In some parts of Konoha, it is EVEN seen as a SYMBOL OF YOUR GRACE to use a stick, twig or DISCARDED ARM to quickly smear the excrement ACROSS THE PATH. Make sure to hide in NEARBY BUSHES and watch WITH GLEE as passers-by happen to step in it.

**PARTING WITH YOU SUMMON **

**AFTER EVERY BATTLE **comes the sad time when your summon must depart. During these times it is acceptable to WEEP, SCREAM, KICK, DRIBBLE and, in extreme circumstances, WEE. After doing so, calmly nod to your summon and WALK AWAY whistling.

**SOME FEEL IT NECESSARY** to keep in touch with their summons by becoming pen pals. If you decide that you wish to become pen pals with your summon then BITE YOUR THUMB and use the blood to write the message into the ground. If you find that the blood keeps dwindling due to UNATURAL HEALING ABILITIES, bite off your thumb and use a quill to dip into the blood and NEATLY write your message.

**NOTE FOR OWNING AN ANIMAL SUMMON: **BE SURE TO STOCK UP ON BLOOD AS THEY SEEM TO ENJOY THE STUFF VERY MUCH


	4. Academy Students

**RULES FOR ACADEMY STUDENTS **

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**ACADEMY STUDENTS** are not technically considered to be shinobi. Instead they are a race of IRRITABLE WHINERS who enjoy nothing better than annoying BIG BAD NINJA. They exist only to harass INNOCENT MURDERS with their immature whinging and are actually in fact, the SPAWN OF SATAN himself.

**EVERY ACADEMY STUDENT** is expected to have an ANGST FILLED LIFE which commonly includes no parents, mental problems or providing a home to the local friendly DEMON.

**THERE ARE SEVERAL RULES** which every academy student is expected to follow. This includes (but is not limited to):

· All Academy students must randomly choose a stranger off the street and make it their goal in life to become the stranger's double. One must talk, eat and even blink in the same way as their role model. It is each Academy student's dream to one day match their icon in a fight and in doing so, become the reincarnate of the now deceased idol.

· An Academy student must always get his or her own way. There are no exceptions and an Academy student must bite, gnaw, flap, whine, scream and poo until they have gotten their own way.

· It is required that all Academy students become secret spies that enjoy stalking and hunting hormonal teenagers that are also shinobi.

· There must be an elected hot bad ass Academy student that every straight female and orange wearing male must worship. All academy students must take it in turns to steal kisses from the bad ass and ignore all death threats from said hottie. Any violation of this rule means instant death and condemnation forever more.

**FOR ANY** academy student reading this handbook, we wish to advise you on the truth of all shinobi. When a shinobi tells you to "keep up the good work, I'm sure that next time you'll hit the target with your kunai and not my leg" he is lying. In retaliation to these deceitful fibs it is best to smile sweetly and mention that you did hit your target. That should shut the LYING BASTARD up.

**OTHER LIES SHINOBI TELL: **

"Of course I don't care that you CUT MY LEG OFF. We all make mistakes, right?"

"I don't mind that you call me a WHITE-EYED FREAK you lovely child, you. Yes, please pull on my lovely long girl hair. I really like it when you do."

"Please continue to use my body as a training dummy. What's a few BROKEN LIMBS when it helps the greater good?"

"Oh, go on, then. Throw up in my weapons pouch again. I really enjoy the smell, y'know?"

**WHEN DEALING WITH** stoic, angsty Academy students it is absolutely necessary that you at least ATTEMPT to make said unemotional child GIGGLE. To achieve such a task we suggest you become practiced in the fine arts of torture as such children are all SADIST AVENGERS that take pleasure in OTHER PEOPLE'S PAIN.

**IN EVERY CLASS** there is an idiot who believes that he is funnier than CURDLED MILK. In reality, he is LONELY and wishes for FRIENDSHIP. However, this child is EVIL and should be HARASSED and TORMENTED. We also suggest that you use the power of STONING to your advantage. That's right! We will make the world a better place with our KIND and PEACEFUL ways.

**EVERY ACADEMY STUDENT** goes through a stage of believing they are something which they are not. This can include believing themselves to be hungry ponies, batman, a rainbow, Uchiha Sasuke and in some rare cases, a rare breed of llama. During this stage of their lives, it is best to be SUPPORTIVE and UNDERSTANDING by telling the child that they are going to MCDONALDS and not in fact a MEANTAL ASYLUM.

**NOTE ON ACADEMY STUDENTS: **AVOID ASSOCIATION AND CONTINUOUSLY DENY THE FACT THAT YOU EVER WHERE ONE. 


	5. Missing Ninja

**RULES FOR MISSING NINS**

**A MISSING NINJA **(or missing nin, if you're really cool), is, contrary to popular belief, is not a ninja who is lost. For this reason, it is UNWISE AND JUST PLAIN STUPID for you to offer your compass and map to a missing nin.

**IN REALITY **a missing nin has abandoned his village and should therefore be seen as a criminal. Would you smile nicely at a criminal and INVITE HIM IN FOR A NICE WARM CUP OF COCOA? No? Then don't do the same for a missing nin.

**THE BIGGEST** and most important rule for being a missing nin is to make a dramatic exit before leaving your village. Be this through the MASSACRE OF YOUR WHOLE CLAN with the exception of one little boy or the narrow but impressive defeat of your IDIOTIC BEST FRIEND. Points may be awarded for creativity.

**ALL MISSING NIN** are required to carefully and neatly SLASH HIS HEADBAND and wear it proudly upon his forehead. Over a billion years of research has proved that this simple action empowers the missing nin with the power to CONTROL GODZILLA and provoke fear and awe into EVERY PASSING SQUIRELL. However for some complete and utterly unknown reason, the scratched headband seems to draw the attention of HOMICIDAL, BLOOD THIRSTY AND SLIGHTLY CONSTIPATED MADMEN who refer to themselves as 'Hunter nin'. Until an answer is found, we regret to inform you that anyone found wearing a headband in any condition other than new, shall be hunted down and fed to a giant twelve-headed peacock named Steve.

**A MISSING NIN'S WARDROBE** should be composed of CAPES, ROBES AND PEANUTS. Hardcore metal chains and spikes also add an ELEGANT EFFECT which will have foes begging for your stylists. It is also recommended that you stock up on the SEXY POWER that is NAIL VARNISH!! Just picture yourself, sitting on a sunny beach, your sun glasses on and your toned body glistening with sweat. When all of a sudden you turn and smile, your beauty radiating like the immense supremacy of your purple painted nails! Wow! Ahem, so yes! No missing nin is complete without his (or her) purple nail varnish.

**THE AURA **of a missing nin, is mysterious and dangerous. It lures enemies in like the gentle sparkling of a spider web only to be TRAPPED AND EATEN ALIVE. Of course, this is only a matter of speech and it is not necessary to devour your SCREAMING PREY. Instead you may prefer a quiet dinner where your meal does not attempt to run away or bite off your leg, so, in these circumstances, it is acceptable to murder your victim first.

**BE AWARE **that missing nins suffer from a mysterious phenomenon known as NO SOCIAL LIFE. This is due to the prejudiced beliefs that you may destroy any living being that approaches you, shocking as that may be. This means that if you are an ATTENTION SEEKING IDIOT it is advisable that you do not become a missing nin as your only company will be the FRIENLY AND FUN LOVING hunters they send after you.

**THE MISSING NIN **is similar to a villain in that before every HONOURABLE KILLING he or she must ALWAYS reveal his or her EVIL AND CUNNING PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD whilst also admitting to the misery and hardship of his or her childhood.

**IT IS THE JOB **of a missing nin to believe that he or she is in the right and that no matter what any one person accuses you of, you were doing something completely different, although you hope they do catch the true villain.

If a person attacks you under the excuse that you had murdered a village of innocents the correct answer is:

"_No I didn't, I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was just having a harmless drink and then for some mysterious and unknown reason everyone just dropped dead. Weird..."_

If a person accuses you of poisoning the water supply of an important country, the correct answer is:

"_No I didn't, okay so maybe I sneezed in the water but that's it. And anyway, I saw what happened. They weren't poisoned, they just all happened to be drinking the water I sneezed in at the times of their deaths; it was old age that killed them. What do you mean by the oldest who happened to die was twenty seven? That's ancient, I tell you!"_

If a person accuses you of slaughtering all of your family to test your power with the exception of one young boy you left alive with horrific memories and a mental problem the correct answer is:

"_That is completely wrong! I messed up his hair as well as leaving him with horrific memories and mental problems; get it right before you accuse me! Gosh, Evil missing nins never get the appreciation that they deserve these days. What nerve!"_

**ALSO, IT IS COMPLETELY NECCESSARY **that every missing nin has a goal to aim towards. Be it the MASTERY OF EVERY JUSTSU or simply just to steal THE EYES OF YOUR YOUNGER BROTHER. It is not possible to be a true missing nin without a life goal so keep this in mind when deciding whether to leave your village or not.

**IF YOU FIND YOURSELF **unable to find a motive for your crimes then log on to our website www.iamamissingninandwouldreallylikesomethingtoaimforandifyouwoudln'tmindapotatonamesmushroom .com where you will be able to subscribe for the simple price of fifty seven hundred thousand billion yen per month. Included in this deal is our magazine, THE BIG BAD MISSING NIN where you can read up about all the BIGGEST and BADDEST missing nin known to all ninja kind. Also, follow the trendy fashions of clouded capes and big ass swords to really be the best.

**WHEN ENCOUNTERING **other missing nin, it is suggested that you strike a FEARSOME POSE and proceed to create ANIMALISTIC NOISES that resemble a screaming baby needing changing. The correct way to respond to such a call is to IMITATE A CHICKEN by clucking, flapping and pecking the ground.

**NOTE FOR MISSING NINS: **there are more ways of killing a missing nin than by choking it with ramen.


End file.
